Fear & Paradise

So this time last year this would have been enough for me to cancel this trip. Just knowing we would be sailing through this. Last April I would’ve curled up in a ball pretending and wishing it wasn’t happening (actually I did exactly that when we sailed into Arcahon France in a tide versus wind situation and at low tide. Or exactly when they tell you not to go. I bawled in between hurling curse words at Patrick on what I was going to do to him should we live. Never worry about swearing around my kids. They are sailors and have heard it.) This time I was still scared. But the difference was I stayed up top and I watched. And even filmed. And refussed to curl into a ball pretending it wasn’t happening. Motherhood took me out at the knees. I went from someone who could crash her bike 3 times in forgein countries (twice landing in hospital) to someone who was terrified her “recklessness” would endanger her babies. (I wasn’t reckless, I was alive. There’s a difference! And you can read about them in my chasing summer book) https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Long-Way-Home-Newfoundland-ebook/dp/B074V65L1B But more importantly, this past year has taught me that I can’t be the woman I was. I am a mother now. I am more intimate with grief than I had planned for in 2017. (Not that anyone plans grief, but an illness can prepare you. ) And I’ve done the work to integrate. To be me again. But me all parts intact. Scars yes. But not open bleeding wounds that I pretend are not there. And I didn’t do it without help. @sarah_k_jones and @vickireisima you two in particular were vital for helping me come back to me. Sarah cracked me open and Vikki helped put me together again. I know you both would say I did it. And I did. But I has you 2 to guide me. Thank you!

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