Fear & Paradise

So this time last year this would have been enough for me to cancel this trip. Just knowing we would be sailing through this. Last April I would’ve curled up in a ball pretending and wishing it wasn’t happening (actually I did exactly that when we sailed into Arcahon France in a tide versus wind situation and at low tide. Or exactly when they tell you not to go. I bawled in between hurling curse words at Patrick on what I was going to do to him should we live. Never worry about swearing around my kids. They are sailors and have heard it.) This time I was still scared. But the difference was I stayed up top and I watched. And even filmed. And refussed to curl into a ball pretending it wasn’t happening. Motherhood took me out at the knees. I went from someone who could crash her bike 3 times in forgein countries (twice landing in hospital) to someone who was terrified her “recklessness” would endanger her babies. (I wasn’t reckless, I was alive. There’s a difference! And you can read about them in my chasing summer book) https://www.amazon.com/Taking-Long-Way-Home-Newfoundland-ebook/dp/B074V65L1B But more importantly, this past year has taught me that I can’t be the woman I was. I am a mother now. I am more intimate with grief than I had planned for in 2017. (Not that anyone plans grief, but an illness can prepare you. ) And I’ve done the work to integrate. To be me again. But me all parts intact. Scars yes. But not open bleeding wounds that I pretend are not there. And I didn’t do it without help. @sarah_k_jones and @vickireisima you two in particular were vital for helping me come back to me. Sarah cracked me open and Vikki helped put me together again. I know you both would say I did it. And I did. But I has you 2 to guide me. Thank you!

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First Sail of 2018!

First sail of the year!

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I can’t believe the difference a year makes. Not just in how far the boat has come (It was still locked in ice in Poland this time last year) but just how my life can be taken and shaken and leave me on the floor with a decision to make. And that you really can come back stronger. Not motivational post stronger. But in that you get to choose how to rebuild the very life that fell apart around you.
Because that’s what everything being torn apart around you does. It takes you out at the knees. It makes you wonder if pain can in fact kill you, and then it makes you choose. Do you want to sink deeper or do you want to change? (I keep having Bridget Jones “I won’t be defeated by an American stick insect” going through my head whenever I hit a challenge- only this year was like a giant praying mantis.) I started 2017 wondering if my relationship was over and if we had grown too far apart. Me in motherhood and Patrick in start up world.

And then my little brother died. And in a span of about 2 months I felt like everything I thought I knew wasn’t true. Between May and August last year my brothers and I would’ve been 35, 36 and 37. Suddenly the baby of the family was no longer there.
And this trip we had been planning for years seemed as good as any to figure out if we still had a relationship and to just escape.
2017 kicked my ass. But it’s also where I found me. I learned this year I spent so much time negotiating how to make the past match up to present.

I can’t.
You can’t.
But we can sit with those pains and demons and ask how we got to where we are. And what we need to lose to go further.

And we get to rebuild.

Because as much as that hurricane hurt it makes us realize we didn’t build a house in a safe space.

Getting off the plane on New year’s eve was exciting. This part of the trip is not me negotiating grief and trying to make peace with my relationship.

It’s me being an active participant. I flew my motorcycle off a cliff and got back on. I can do this regular life stuff.

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Somewhere on The Atlantic Ocean

Dolphins!!!

Things That Go Bump In The Night

We have an anchor station! Even faster and less effort than the videos! (Still putting videos up, but it is freaking slooooow with present internet conditions!)

So check out the station! Its a fun and easy to keep everyone up to date!

https://anchor.fm/books-boats-and-babes?at=565337

And some peektures!

It’s my birthday so I’ll max out the photos just because I want too!!! Today has been fantastic. From an amazing phone call to all the wonderful messages and swimming (with ropes attached!) and turning Falkor into a swing. It’s just been an awesome day. And my heart cracked a bit knowing that this year there would be no roar into the phone of “have a great day sis. I love you. ” (I still got my wishes from Sean, but his are not yelled. 😄😄😄 ) And yet today I do feel Michaels energy is here, it’s just different. Thank you again everyone for all the wonderful wishes!!!! It’s been fantastic! #booksboatsandbabes #boatlife #familyafloat #fulltimecruisers #boatswithdogs #tinyhome #mybirthday #atanchor #bayofbiscay #sailing

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